From overwhelmed to overjoyed...
The past few months have been full of trials for me. I feel like every week I have another challenge added to my plate... Adjusting to life with a newborn and caring for my three children, the passing of my mother, family drama with a disgruntled family member, having a gallbladder attack and needing it surgically removed, beginning a painful 12-18 month process of multiple reconstructive surgeries on my mouth, and the resulting medical bills that follow.
The emotional pain, the physical pain, the stress, the strain, the work, the guilt, trying so hard to be patient with an angry family member, feelings of doubt, of inadequacy...
I thought about my husband who I have been constantly leaning on for support, who was also overwhelmed, and it added to my guilt. I thought about my children, each one needing me, each with very different, very specific needs, and that added more guilt. I was at my limit. I was so overwhelmed.
For a while, I had just tried to keep going. Tried to push myself harder. Ran around constantly (like a chicken with its head cut off...) I was running around in circles, trying to keep everyone happy. But I was exhausted.
I knew life wasn't going to get easier, because life shouldn't just "get easier." Without trials and tests of our faith, we wouldn't grow. I know that. I know that we are here to be tried, and tested, and in order for growth to occur, life gets hard sometimes. Really hard.
But I needed help. I wasn’t being a good wife, or a good mom, and I struggled to feel the Spirit. I had so much to be happy about; so much to be grateful for, but I felt so overwhelmed and lost. I needed help.
As soon as I realized what I needed most, and began to pray, I felt the Spirit so strong. Heavenly Father had been waiting, anxiously waiting, for me to call upon Him for help. To lay my burdens at His feet. To put my trust in Him. It is amazing how much-and how quickly- we can feel better by just praying. Why is that so hard to remember?
Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side. With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide, in every change ye faithful will remain, Be still my soul, thy best thy heavenly friend, through thorny ways leads to a joyful end..
After praying to our very loving, patient and understanding Heavenly Father, I thought more about faith. How much faith do I have? And how do I increase my faith?
"Acting on even a twig of faith allows God to grow it." --Henry B. Eyring
"The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue- it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you already have, and the truth you already know...Hold to the ground you have already won. Be true to the Faith you have." --Jeffrey R. Holland
I wanted to be happy again, to enjoy my children, to have joy in my life again. I wanted to rise above my trials and tough times, and move forward. I wanted to have an eternal perspective, and have faith. Increase my faith.
Most of the goals or expectations I set for myself revolve around my children... and housework. I do take my job as a mother very seriously. (Too seriously to some people.) But honestly, when I’m not doing things I feel I need to do, or should be doing, I get an extremely guilty feeling. And that guilt builds and builds inside and turns into depression. It has turned into depression many times.
I knew I wanted to block out the needless distractions, and the things that I don’t need in my life, things that I make myself THINK I need. And that would help me to have joy in my life again, and also to deal with my guilt. In fact, I needed to rid myself of such unnecessary guilt!
We set such extreme expectations for ourselves as women- as mothers. And it allows us to put ourselves down when we "fail," and leads us to judge others when they "fail." Marjorie Pay Hinckley once said, "We as women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.”
What beautiful insight, and what perfect perspective. I want to live like that, to think and act and judge like that. Because trying too hard is exhausting, both physically and mentally. And too many times I have put myself down for "failing" as a wife and mother. As the wife and mother I convinced myself I needed to be. But my expectations were not only "too high," they were unobtainable. Unrealistic. I was living with unnecessary guilt!!
I remembered a quote from Time Out For Women, "Save guilt for sin."
What a thought provoking statement! There were so many things that I put myself down for! So many times I would feel guilty over little things...
Instead, I should have not measured my parenting by the worlds false expectations. "You are doing better than you think you are." Besides, feeling down or guilty has not helped me or my children.
"Don't dwell on your failures, but think of your successes. Have joy in your home. Have joy in your children. Have joy in your husband. Be grateful for the journey." --Marjorie Pay Hinckley
I found a blog a while back that encouraged parents who felt lost and just as overwhelmed as I did:
"You're not a terrible parent.
You are not a terrible parent if your children don't eat as healthy as your friend's children do.
You are not a terrible parent if you yell at your kids sometimes.
You are not a terrible parent if you can't figure out how to calmly give them appropriate consequences.
You are not a terrible parent if you just can't wait for them to go to bed.
You're not a terrible parent.
You're an actual parent with limits. You cannot do it all."
I needed to learn to calm down, stop comparing myself to others, and to change my perspective. I needed to focus on things that were truly important.
There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family... What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else."
--Elder Russell M. Ballard, "Daughters of God," General Conference April 2008
Guilt is the biggest thing I struggle with. (Well that, and stress!) But I feel less overwhelmed and guilty when I pray for guidance. And when I pray, I am inspired and sometimes just reminded to focus on important things. When I put my faith in Heavenly Father, I feel safe, confident, and full of joy. And I am able to change my perspective.
“The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley
There are a million little "to-do" things in life- in our daily lives- that really have no significance. I know now to shift my perspective, and just concentrate on things of an eternal nature. (And to stop beating myself up!)
“ A pebble held close to the eye appears to be a gigantic obstacle. Cast on the ground, it is seen in perspective. Likewise, problems or trials in our lives need to be viewed in the perspective of scriptural doctrine. Otherwise they can easily overtake our vision, absorb all our energy." --Richard G. Scott
It really is all about our perspective. Entering parenthood, becoming a mother, is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done. In the short 6 years I have been a mother, I have had to face the hardest trials and challenges in my life. My faith has never been tried as hard. But it has never been stronger.
I am so grateful for this learning experience. I will most likely need reminding every now and again. :)
Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels.
--The First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
"Motherhood is not what was left over after our Father blessed His sons with priesthood ordination. It was the most ennobling endowment He could give His daughters, a sacred trust that gave women an unparalleled role in helping His children keep their second estate. As President J. Reuben Clark Jr. declared, motherhood is “as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the Priesthood itself.”
--Sister Sheri Dew
“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey…delays…sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”
