I read an article about a woman named Julie. Her story started out sweet and I liked it, but I didn't expect to have very much in common with her.
She lost her husband, leaving her a pregnant mother of soon-to-be four boys at just 26!
No, I definitely cannot relate to that. I couldn't begin to comprehend that pain.
“You can’t choose your trials in life, but you can choose how you deal with them. You can choose to become better or bitter.”
Her story continues to finding out her sweet boy, Jordy, has autism.
Wow. Yes, I can relate to that! My Logan, has autism. I definitely know that world...
Sometimes, moms of Autistic kids have to fight harder than other disabilities.
Maybe we are "bad parents," or our kids are "just bad kids that don’t listen and won’t follow directions."
People will think "There is no medical “proof” that your kid has a disability."
We have to fight for our kids in the school system, the medical world, in our neighborhoods, in our families, in every public place that we take our kids, and even at times in our homes with the other siblings.
Yes. And it is heartbreaking.
My name is Samantha and I am a special needs Mom.
I never thought I'd say that. I watch my son, Logan, struggle with autism, and it's hard. And watching his older brother, Aiden, struggle with him is heart breaking.
But, I know that Aiden loves his brother. I know- not from hearing him say, "I love you" - but from seeing him show love when it really counts.
It has been three years since Logan was diagnosed, and since taking this disability head on: the phone calls, meetings, paper work, doctors, evaluations, more phone calls, more paperwork, more meetings, so many doctors, so many evaluations, and even more phone calls... and therapy, therapy, therapy, I feel I am only now understanding my role. My job as "mom."
After PRAYING! And crying. And praying. And crying. And praying and pleading with Heavenly Father. And having my heart BREAK. And hurting. And crying. And praying and praying... I understand.
I understand that I am NOT GOING to understand.
I do not need to know everything right now. And what's more, after spending the past two and a half years KILLING myself trying to BECOME the mother Logan's (autism) needed me to be, and guilting my self (into depths of such depressing darkness) for falling short...
I have found my answer.
{I only pray that my weak mind remembers THIS MOMENT when my prayers answer has come, and not forget and go back to killing myself and guilting myself...}
I do not need to (and will not) know everything right now.
And Heavenly Father did not bless me with Logan to beat myself up, and spend my time here on earth trying to fit into a mold (reach false expectations) that I created in my mind.
Heavenly Father did not bless me with motherhood to become so overwhelmed that I am miserable and worn.
Heavenly Father did not intend for autism to consume my life...
He did, though, give me trials. Many trials. Many tragedies.
But I know that Heavenly Father will not give us any trial without providing a way to accomplish and overcome it.
Heavenly Father WILL give us more than we can handle.
But He gives us "more than we can handle" so we can turn to Him and be lifted up. So we can experience and find everlasting joy. So we can be refined and perfected.
I have had a lady ask me if I knew where Logan "got autism from."
That question annoys me, because it just does not matter. It just doesn't.
It doesn't matter WHERE or WHEN he was given this burden to bear...
I have never tried to “fix” him, instead I spent the last three years trying to "fix" myself!
But I have since learned that instead of trying to fix myself, just I need to help him. Be there for him. Endure the stress and trials as they come, but be his mother. Help him reach his highest potential no matter what that is.
As time passes, we see that some things improve a little and some have get worse. We take each day as it comes and continue to put our faith in The Lord.
Julie's article ended with this:
"People often ask me how I handle so many trials. I usually respond with something like, “I didn’t know I had any other option."
The truth is, the only way I can handle any of it is through the help and love of my Savior and his atoning sacrifice. I rely heavily on the words of my beloved church leader Thomas S. Monson, “Remember, whom the Lord calls, the Lord qualifies.”
My name is Samantha and I am so grateful for my crazy, stressful, challenging, beautiful life.
I am so grateful for the blessed honor to be a mother here on earth. I am forever grateful to my husband, who has faith that is immovable. He is my strength, my example, my friend, and my love.
Together we are living and raising our family the best that we can.
