What if batteries ran on prayers...

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. 

Every morning, I wake up and get my children fed, clothed, and ready for the day (2 out of 3 are in school.) And then,  when I am not out running errands, or rather, AFTER I return from running errands, I clean. 

I do the dishes and take out the trash. I do the never-ever-ending laundry: clean, switch, fold, and put away. I tidy bedrooms and vacuum. 

And on extra special days, I mop the floors, and scrub the showers and toilets.

And on my "coffee breaks" I role play. I play chef and chauffeur.

Everyday. 

Every single day. 

It's always there, and always needs to be done.

Don't get me wrong, not only was I fully aware of the job description of "homemaker," but I gladly accepted it. This is the life I dreamed of having.

 I truly am happier than I thought I could be. I am happy to be a wife and a mother.

But I am only human, and we are full of emotions. 

Frustration, happiness, fear, anger, doubt, desire... 

I spend my day doing the same thing(s) over and over... But do I expect a different result? No, not really.

 I take out the trash, for instance, unload the dishwasher, or put clean clothes away KNOWING they'll be waiting for me. 

Waiting to greet me in the very near future.

Maybe that's what makes you insane. Not "expecting a different result," but rather, expecting the very same result. Knowing that there will never be any other result. 

Here's what I think:

Being a Homemaker is doing the same things over and over knowing the end result. Knowing it's a never-ending circle...

So, how do you do it day in and day out?

Honestly, sometimes we homemakers get tired. Tired from the never-ending work. My home. These children. Those dishes. That mountain of laundry.  The food that needs to be bought and cooked so that I can do some more dishes and buy some more food to cook and do some more dishes and buy some more food and on and on and on...

I get myself into this mindset and look down at the dirty clothes and plates, and start to feel very unseen. 

 I begin to feel like my identity is 'chore-do-er' and it's all I'll ever be until the day that I die. 

(Poor, me...)

So I pray and ask Heavenly Father for help. And comfort. And guidance. And patience. And peace...

And our loving Father in Heaven does. He comforts me and brings me peace. He guides me and reminds me of the love He has for me...

Thankfully, and rather perfectly planned, our Heavenly Father knows our hearts. 

He knows our struggles, our heartaches, our needs and our desires. 

He knows how hard we mothers work. He is there on the days I feel unappreciated. Feel unnoticed.

He comforts me, and then reminds me to carry on. 

To endure through my struggles. Go to my family and be fully there, and know that every dirty dish and every load of laundry I do, is good.

Someone once explained that when we women are cleaning, doing laundry, bathing our children, making a home- we are doing righteous work. And we will be blessed.

 I am reminded that love is sacrifice. When I serve my family in my calling as mother, knowing Heavenly Fathers great love for me, and knowing that He sees me, I am filled with the Spirit.

 I am filled with joy.

 I know that when I am serving, I am being blessed. And that my family is being blessed because of my efforts.

Prayer recharges me. I get tired, and worn down. 

It's part of life.

 But when I pray, I am renewed. And when I "pray always" my batteries never run too low. 

I have found that when I let myself run dry, get so tired, reach my breaking point- sometimes I forget that prayer is what I need. Prayer is all I need. 

And then it takes longer to recharge.

Lesson learned.

Lesson learned, but will unfortunately be quickly forgotten.

Because I am only human, and we have a terrible memory. 

"Remember, Remember to Pray Always."

My 26 Random Acts Of Kindness

"The best antidote I know for worry is work. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired. One of the great ironies of life is this: He or She who serves almost always benefits more than he or she is served." Gordon B. Hinckley
 

A while back, I came across a blog where a woman did 35 random acts of kindness for her 35th birthday. She spent her entire birthday serving other people! At first, I thought it sounded like a lot of work, but after reading how she felt afterwards, it changed my attitude.  A few days ago, while I was visiting teaching I was reminded of a quote about how the best thing we can do for ourselves is to serve others; to put our own worries and concerns aside, and lose ourselves in service.

"To find real happiness, we must seek for it in a focus outside ourselves." Thomas S. Monson
 

Remembering that quote reminded me of the woman's "acts of kindness," and I decided that was something I wanted to do. I wanted to share my gifts, and talents, and service to those around me- and my birthday was just days away!

I decided to do "26 random acts of kindness" for my 26th birthday. At first I thought it would be hard to think of 26 "acts" to do, but the ideas came flooding in. Infact, I really could easily think of 26 more... When you allow yourself to put your worries or problems aside and really focus on others, your eyes are opened to how many people you can reach out to.

"Our opportunities to give of ourselves are indeed limitless... there are hearts to gladden. There are kind words to say. There are gifts to be given. There are deeds to be done. There are souls to save." Thomas S. Monson
 

Acts 1-4: Gifts and notes to the boys' teachers.

Acts 5-11: Plates of cookies for a friend, for a boy who is having surgery this week, for my visiting teaching companion's family, for our neighbors, for one of my visiting teaching families, and for our cousins Brooklyn and Aubrey,

Act 12- I purchased a ticket to this years, "Time Out For Woman" for a lady in our ward.

Act 13- a note to our neighbor across the street, who lives alone and has always been so sweet to our boys.

Act 14- wrote a letter to a woman in our ward, who has become like an "adopted" mom to me.

Act 15- wrote a note to a woman in our ward.

Act 16- wrote a note to my VT companion.

Act 17- made dinner for a family in our ward.

Act 18- surprised my sister with flowers and chocolate!

Act 19- purchased a massage for my hubby!

Act 20- wrote a letter to our "Nana and Papa" who are currently serving a mission in Hawaii.

Acts 21- 23: I gathered all the laundry hampers, washed, folded, and put the clothes away. I tidied up each room and made each bed. (I know that that is something I do normally, but it felt especially good to do it, because of the mindset I was in- I was serving those I love the most.)

Acts 24- 26: wrote a love note in Aiden's lunch box, in Logan's lunch box, and placed a love note in my hubby's car.

 

"Even the smallest act of caring for another person is like a drop of water- it will make ripples throughout the entire pond."

I have been on the "receiving" end of service and random acts of kindness a lot, infact probably more often than I've been on the "giving" end. I just hope that these "26" acts can help even out the score! :)

 

"Those who are happiest are those who do the most for others."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Overwhelmed...

From overwhelmed to overjoyed... 

The past few months have been full of trials for me. I feel like every week I have another challenge added to my plate... Adjusting to life with a newborn and caring for my three children, the passing of my mother, family drama with a disgruntled family member, having a gallbladder attack and needing it surgically removed, beginning a painful 12-18 month process of multiple reconstructive surgeries on my mouth, and the resulting medical bills that follow.

The emotional pain, the physical pain, the stress, the strain, the work, the guilt, trying so hard to be patient with an angry family member, feelings of doubt, of inadequacy...

I thought about my husband who I have been constantly leaning on for support, who was also overwhelmed, and it added to my guilt. I thought about my children, each one needing me, each with very different, very specific needs, and that added more guilt. I was at my limit. I was so overwhelmed.

For a while, I had just tried to keep going. Tried to push myself harder. Ran around constantly (like a chicken with its head cut off...) I was running around in circles, trying to keep everyone happy.  But I was exhausted. 

I knew life wasn't going to get easier, because life shouldn't just "get easier." Without trials and tests of our faith, we wouldn't grow. I know that. I know that we are here to be tried, and tested, and in order for growth to occur, life gets hard sometimes. Really hard.

But I needed help. I wasn’t being a good wife, or a good mom, and I struggled to feel the Spirit. I had so much to be happy about; so much to be grateful for, but I felt so overwhelmed and lost. I needed help.

As soon as I realized what I needed most, and began to pray, I felt the Spirit so strong. Heavenly Father had been waiting, anxiously waiting, for me to call upon Him for help. To lay my burdens at His feet. To put my trust in Him. It is amazing how much-and how quickly- we can feel better by just praying. Why is that so hard to remember?

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side. With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide, in every change ye faithful will remain, Be still my soul, thy best thy heavenly friend, through thorny ways leads to a joyful end..

After praying to our very loving, patient and understanding Heavenly Father, I thought more about faith. How much faith do I have? And how do I increase my faith?

"Acting on even a twig of faith allows God to grow it." --Henry B. Eyring

"The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue- it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you already have, and the truth you already know...Hold to the ground you have already won. Be true to the Faith you have." --Jeffrey R. Holland

I wanted to be happy again, to enjoy my children, to have joy in my life again. I wanted to rise above my trials and tough times, and move forward. I wanted to have an eternal perspective, and have faith. Increase my faith.

Most of the goals or expectations I set for myself revolve around my children... and housework. I do take my job as a mother very seriously. (Too seriously to some people.) But honestly, when I’m not doing things I feel I need to do, or should be doing, I get an extremely guilty feeling. And that guilt builds and builds inside and turns into depression. It has turned into depression many times.

I knew I wanted to block out the needless distractions, and the things that I don’t need in my life, things that I make myself THINK I need. And that would help me to have joy in my life again, and also to deal with my guilt. In fact, I needed to rid myself of such unnecessary guilt!

We set such extreme expectations for ourselves as women- as mothers. And it allows us to put ourselves down when we "fail," and leads us to judge others when they "fail." Marjorie Pay Hinckley once said, "We as women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.” 

What beautiful insight, and what perfect perspective. I want to live like that, to think and act and judge like that. Because trying too hard is exhausting, both physically and mentally. And too many times I have put myself down for "failing" as a wife and mother. As the wife and mother I convinced myself I needed to be. But my expectations were not only "too high," they were unobtainable. Unrealistic. I was living with unnecessary guilt!! 

I remembered a quote from Time Out For Women, "Save guilt for sin."

What a thought provoking statement! There were so many things that I put myself down for! So many times I would feel guilty over little things... 

Instead, I should have not measured my parenting by the worlds false expectations. "You are doing better than you think you are." Besides, feeling down or guilty has not helped me or my children.

 "Don't dwell on your failures, but think of your successes. Have joy in your home. Have joy in your children. Have joy in your husband. Be grateful for the journey." --Marjorie Pay Hinckley 

I found a blog a while back that encouraged parents who felt lost and just as overwhelmed as I did:

"You're not a terrible parent.

You are not a terrible parent if your children don't eat as healthy as your friend's children do. 

You are not a terrible parent if you yell at your kids sometimes. 

You are not a terrible parent if you can't figure out how to calmly give them appropriate consequences.

You are not a terrible parent if you just can't wait for them to go to bed.

You're not a terrible parent.

You're an actual parent with limits. You cannot do it all."

I needed to learn to calm down, stop comparing myself to others, and to change my perspective.  I needed to focus on things that were truly important.

There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family... What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else."

--Elder Russell M. Ballard, "Daughters of God," General Conference April 2008

Guilt is the biggest thing I struggle with. (Well that, and stress!) But I feel less overwhelmed and guilty when I pray for guidance. And when I pray, I am inspired and sometimes just reminded to focus on important things. When I put my faith in Heavenly Father, I feel safe, confident, and full of joy. And I am able to change my perspective.

“The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.” 

― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

 There are a million little "to-do" things in life- in our daily lives- that really have no significance. I know now to shift my perspective, and just concentrate on things of an eternal nature. (And to stop beating myself up!)

“ A pebble held close to the eye appears to be a gigantic obstacle. Cast on the ground, it is seen in perspective. Likewise, problems or trials in our lives need to be viewed in the perspective of scriptural doctrine. Otherwise they can easily overtake our vision, absorb all our energy." --Richard G. Scott

It really is all about our perspective. Entering parenthood, becoming a mother, is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done. In the short 6 years I have been a mother, I have had to face the hardest trials and challenges in my life. My faith has never been tried as hard. But it has never been stronger.

I am so grateful for this learning experience. I will most likely need reminding every now and again. :)

Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels.

--The First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

"Motherhood is not what was left over after our Father blessed His sons with priesthood ordination. It was the most ennobling endowment He could give His daughters, a sacred trust that gave women an unparalleled role in helping His children keep their second estate. As President J. Reuben Clark Jr. declared, motherhood is “as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the Priesthood itself.”

--Sister Sheri Dew

“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey…delays…sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

"...the Lord, has shown me how I can."

Every little step, every bit of progress, every little victory, every "breakthrough-moment" that I have with my Logan is a beautiful, tender mercy. It's proof from Heavenly Father of His love, and a reminder of the plan He has for us. Heavenly Father gave a little more of Logan to me today. I cannot express how grateful I am for days like this. 

I have been told that Logan is our "ticket to the celestial kingdom," but so many times, too many to count, Daniel and I have had to reassure one another that we will, one day, know our son. That Heavenly Father is guiding us, and that our efforts do serve a great purpose. 

  We know our Logan will be able to walk up to us, look into our eyes, and tell us how much he loves us. To tell us everything he has wanted to, but couldn't. To thank us for our efforts, our prayers, our faith, and the love we have always had for him.

 That day will come, and that sweet sentence helps me to endure to the end. I am so grateful for the Gospel; for the knowledge that we are blessed to have in this life. And so grateful, for days like today.

So, so many emotions right now. My heart is aching. For these past few weeks, my mom has been fighting for her life. This morning my sister and I went to see her in ICU one last time, to say our goodbyes. 

Tonight, at 7:04pm she passed away. My mom left her pain and the burdens of this life and joined our Dad in Heaven. 

I'm a mess, it's so hard. It's so hard to lose someone you love. You cannot describe the pain of losing a parent. But I know she no longer feels pain, and that she is with Heavenly Father now, and that brings me comfort and peace at such a devastating time.  

Emery's birth...

More pictures to come, but these two were left out by accident in my post about Emery's birth story.

Holding my Emery for the first time!