#Throwback to May 2014
A few nights ago I was at the store with my three children. We were in a check out line and between Aiden not-so-kindly reminding me that he had earned a treat and wanted it now, Logan taking one of every kind of candy bar and lining them up on the floor, and Emery wanting to be held, I could tell we were holding up the line. So I glanced back and said, "oh I'm sorry-you can go ahead!" as I moved us over to the side.
The sweet lady with her teen son replied, "Oh, no. I'm actually enjoying this. I miss these days sooo much."
Taken by surprise, I said "Really?
I'm told I will one day, too, but I'm not sure I believe it!"
"Oh, trust me. Mine are 25, 21, and 17. I miss these days more than you know."
***
Before you got married, did you dream about how many children you'd have? Did you devise a cute little "plan" of the approximate number of little bodies that will rule your household? Did you go as far as picking the names of your precious little babies, too?
If you're wondering....my number was 4. That's what I said back then, and no, we didn't use any of my baby names!
***
I'm a realist. My husband might call it something different, ahem, but let's just say if I feel overwhelmed now with three kids, which to be honest, I do most days, then why on earth would I have more?
Back then, when I my number was 4, I had no clue. No idea! I just thought that I was kid 3 of 5 and so yeah, 4 sounded good.
I like where I'm at now. Three children is hard. Really hard. But it's working!
Haha! I remember saying that with just ONE! I had said that same thing after Aiden...
"Having a baby is hard. Really hard. But it's working!"
BAM! I'm Pregnant, again!
"Having two babies is hard. Really hard. But it's working!"
BAM! Our son is autistic.
"Having a child with special needs is really, really, really, really hard. But it's working. We're taking it one step at a time.
But something was missing. There was a child calling to us. I could usually ignore it, and put it at the back of my mind.... But then I thought, is that why I'm here?
I pray so much- sometimes hourly- for Heavenly Father to help me to know how to mother my children. Help me know their needs, and to be able to meet them. Help me to learn and to grow from my trials. Help me to gain experience from the challenges placed before me. And Heavenly Father hears my prayers, and He answers them.
I was not placed on this earth by accident. Neither were my children given to me by coincidence. They were lovingly placed on earth to be raised in a family, with me as their mother.
So if another calls me from Heaven. Who am I to ignore?
So we took a leap of faith, began to "start trying" and became pregnant two months later with our amazingly bright, beautiful, wonderful daughter, Emery.
What A Joy She Is In My Life!!
I cannot believe I was going to live my life never experiencing the joys of raising my daughter here on earth!
****
I was thinking how wonderful having my three kids is (and also how hard some days are), and that maybe, just maybe, this could be our life as a family of five and I think I'd be very happy with that.
But there's this part of me that isn't sure. There's a part of me that just cannot fathom the idea of not going through another beautiful birth and seeing my husband hold a tiny, sweet newborn that we made together again.
The not-so-funny thing is, we thought we'd try taking our future and our destiny into our own hands and had a surgery performed...
I cannot tell you how shocked I was when feelings of regret and grief began to come over me. And that over time these feelings intensified.
So after prayer and council and Temple trips, my husband and I decided to have the surgery reversed.
I hate that it took us turning to a permanent form of birth control to realize we were wrong.
I know what you're thinking...
"Wait, what? Are you pregnant? Is there an announcement at the end of this?"
(And I'm sure there are some saying, "seriously? You're gonna have MORE?")
The answer is, we are praying about it.
And I'm really ok not knowing right now. I mean, what do we actually know anyway?
That lady at the store reminded me of one thing, I will enjoy this time of life. Because I know that no matter what our future holds for us and for our family, there will come a time when I will miss it.
...at least that's what I'm told. ;)
