37 weeks...

Today I am 37 weeks, just 3 weeks left! Just 21 days!
I am excited, and nervous. And like a roller coaster, that's how my emotions have been lately. Excited and then nervous. Then excited. And then nervous. For a while, the "nervous" feeling gave me drive to "nest" and go around the house making sure I prepared everything I possibly could before she comes... My hospital bag, tons of hand soap for the bathrooms... And toilet paper... Oh, and feminine supplies... And a small hospital bag for Daniel... And cleaning and organizing our closet... And the boys' closets... And a big, emergency sleepover bag full of several changes of clothes for both boys and books and coloring supplies.... And organizing the downstairs closet.... And the laundry room... And the pantry... And so on...
But now that drive is slowing, I'm feeling very prepared, and very exhausted. And now when my emotional coaster goes from excited to nervous: I get anxious and my mind wanders... I start freaking out. Yikes, hormones! Take it easy!
  And for this, I am blessed by a very understanding Heavenly Father who blesses me with my very understanding husband. And I remember to Stop. Breathe. And Pray! And thankfully, when I pray I am comforted. When I pray, I am increased. My patience, my energy, my thoughts, focus, concentration, ability to cope are increased. I am so grateful. And I have seen that our family is increased, as well. My husbands patience. His energy. His love and ability to provide are increased. Our children are increased. Their patience, their comfort, their love and ability to cope are increased.
We are truly being blessed, and are so very grateful for it. I am excited right now, happy for our family, where we are and where we're heading. Happy for our newest family member to join us. I know that when I am exercising faith in Heavenly Father, when I pray, and have the Spirit with me, I am happy and excited. It's only when I allow the Spirit to leave and begin to lose faith and begin to doubt that I feel anxious, nervous and alone.

36 weeks...

I am now 36 weeks, just 4 more weeks to go! I had a blast at my baby shower, so grateful to all my friends and family that made it possible (and so pretty!)

  I've been so distracted by my curiosity, lately... It is such a small and unimportant thing to be focusing on, but it has been a great distraction from stressing about everything!! 

  I love how vivid and crazy my dreams are when I'm pregnant. In my dreams about Emery, she has looked more like Aiden than Logan. Always dark hair, but sometimes olive skin and sometimes light skin... 

Comparisons:

Aiden has daddy's feet and my hands, and Logan has my feet and daddy's hands.

Aiden has daddy's hair, eyes, nose, mouth, and ears. And Logan has my hair, eyes, nose, mouth, and ears.

As nervous as I am about our lives changing so soon, I am still really excited for her arrival!!

{almost} 34 weeks...

Tomorrow I will be 34 weeks! I can't believe "D day" is just around the corner! I'm so excited for March 2nd- my baby shower!!
I wouldn't say I'm scared or nervous about delivery (for one, I've had two labors and deliveries so I " know the drill" and for anither, I feel comfort putting my faith in the doctors and nurses and Heavenly Father.) I haven't experienced a "c-section" because I didn't need one with either boy... 
But lately, its all I think about when I'm packing my hospital bag, or preparing for her arrival... It's a little unnerving to think about,  because it's the "unknown," but I think I'm just making myself nervous for no reason. So far, there has been no sign that I would need to go that route... But then again, I can't help but think I might be "being mentally prepared" for it...
If that's the case, I know that it's a common procedure, that I'll be in good hands, and that I can bring any fears to Heavenly Father.
Yesterday I had something new happen! I had been feeling lightheaded and weak around 3pm, so I filled a glass of water, grabbed a snack, and put a movie on for the boys and I (so I could sit for a while.)
About 20 minutes later I stood up to pee and felt horrible! I felt anxious, and dizzy, and my heart was pounding! I took my blood pressure kit with me and took my bp while in the bathroom, and it was 160/98 and my pulse was 100! That really scared me! I called my doctor and he said it was one if two things. A pregnancy-related heart arrhythmia (which is common) or Pregnancy Hypertension. He asked me to wait 30 mins and if my symptoms were not calming down, to go to Triage for an EKG...
Fortunately, within about 30-45 mins I did begin to feel better! 
And for as alarming as that was, I'm so grateful to be feeling better, and that it wasn't too serious! Message to Emery: Get comfy, cause you still have 43 days left! Love you! ;)

{almost} 32 weeks...

I feel so bad that I've neglected this blog! I am 32 weeks along, which means I am officially 8 months pregnant! Crazy!! In some ways this pregnancy feels like it's dragging along, but in so many other ways it has gone by SO fast! I cannot believe that in 8 weeks (or less) I will be holding my daughter in my arms! I'll get to see her face, look into her eyes, kiss her cheeks, hold her tiny hands, tickle her tiny toes... 
   AND I'll get to see who she looks like: will she look more Daddy or Mommy? Will she look more like Aiden does? With his olive skin, brown hair, brown eyes? Or will she look more like Logan does? With his light skin, blonde hair and hazel green eyes? OR will she surprise us and look like her cousins Aubrey and Jack and have the "Phillips" RED hair and BLUE eyes?!
  Needless to say, I am  so, SO excited to meet my daughter. And am very curious to see who she will look like!
  Aiden keeps asking when she will come out. I am so excited for he and Logan to have a sister, and excited to have a baby in our home, again! Aiden has shown what an amazing big brother he is, and we're excited that Logan will be a big brother now, too!

Blessed...

I woke up this morning and started writing. I'm not sure why, and i'm a little confused by my choice of topic. It seems very hypocritical of me to write, again, about this subject. I like to think of it as a tiny part of my life, because I hate when others view it as my entire life or Logan's, for that matter. The "A" word.

A Dr. Jerry J. Kartzinel once referred to autism as "stealing the soul from a child" and "sucking life's marrow out of the family members, one by one..." That just isn't true. That's not the case. Logan brings the Spirit into our home.  I know because I feel it. His soul is so pure and so innocent, and so loving.  Logan's special needs may be hard to bear at times; may test our faith, and shake our confidence and leave us feeling inadequate. But that's what parenting does! And He is a blessing. We know because we are witnessing it. We know because Heavenly Father has spoken these words to us. Logan teaches me such profound lessons in such a way, that I think only Logan could. I think Heavenly Father meant for that. After all, Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself. He knows how I learn. He knows how to enter my heart...

  No, the "burden" from Autism comes from the outside. It somehow leaves the rest of the world feeling entitled to share their opinions about EVERYTHING you do. Every move you make. It allows them to feel an almost "responsibility or duty" to weigh in how THEY feel you are doing. How they see you from the outside. How they think you should act, live, parent, teach, eat, feed, breathe!

  "Have you read the books? All of these books, too? Have you read this article? Or this one? Have you watched the program in tv? Have you tried what this dr reccommends? Or that one? How's his diet? Why isn't he eating? Have you tried these diets? Any of them? All of them? Have you read the books on that? Why isn't he at this milestone yet? Like that other autistic kid? Are you working on that? 

How much therapy does he get? Can you get him more? Is he at the best therapy location? Are they meeting his needs? How about his schooling? Are you meeting with his teachers? How often? You need to make sure to keep on top of them! Make sure you always have your foot in the door! Are they meeting his needs? Have you read the books on that?

  Are you meeting his needs at home? What do you do at home for him? What goals have you set for him? Are you working on them? Why isn't he talking? Have you read the books on that? Why isn't he potty trained? Have you read the books on that? Why doesn't he sleep at night? Have you read the books on that?" 

Oh, and how is Aiden doing?

  These and so many Other questions are thrown my way every single day. They're quadrupled when  every few months I have meetings with his school, and with his therapists, and with his coordinator. It is never easy, and never did I EVER imagine having to discuss so in-depth, my child and my parenting habits with so many "qualified" strangers!

  But I am truly a blessed woman. A loved and praised wife to an extraordinary man. I am an honored mother, and a very much loved Daughter of God. If this is the life presented to me in the pre-exsistance and the life I chose, I chose very well. And was presented with a gift! I am so grateful for my life and the children that call me mommy. With such sweet and sacred knowledge as I have been given... Who am I to do anything but the best I can. So come what may!

{Almost} 28 weeks....

Well I have definitely neglected my attempt to journal! I am almost in my 3rd trimester with our little daughter. So far, other than high blood pressure, this pregnancy has gone smoothly! We are very grateful.
But emotionally and mentally, I have struggled a bit lately. Letting certain things (all of which are completely out of my control) to fester in my mind. Letting myself think things to death! But thankfully, with SO MANY prayers, and a few blessings from my loving and concerned husband, I am able to calm myself down and move on.
I have always struggled with having Faith. With placing my Faith in Heavely Father and allowing him to show me the way. Allowing Him to help me carry my burdens.
Through His love (and patience that only God could possess!) I have learned to let these "storms" bring me closer to Him, let Him help me get through this. And He has let me see that letting Fear "flood my heart" will just drown me...
That's exactly how it feels: like drowning in fear!
I am so grateful for Heavenly Father and the love that He has for me. For the blessings that rain down upon our family. And for the lessons and experience I gain from trusting in Him.