Aiden's baptism

On October 18th, this guy- our firstborn- was baptized and confirmed a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints!

We are {SO} proud of his choice!!

... and a little child shall lead them.

I absolutely can testify of this. Granted I did not have the greatest of childhoods, and my upbringing was seriously limited. But Heavenly Father compensates; and the children He has sent to me are truly valiant spirits who teach me more about God's love and the power of faith than I ever could have learned from my parents.

I wish I had understood this truth when I was younger. And unfortunately, you can't go back to the past and pass your knowledge and experience on to your younger self...

 But you can pass your knowledge on to your children; help them to know what you wish you had known, teach them what you wish someone had taken the time to teach you.

The greatest thing I can be is a loving mother to my children. To teach them about Heavenly Father, His Plan for us, to teach them of their worth so they know that they are divine children of God.

This is my perfect, sweet, reverent almost-eighteen-month-old baby girl.

I am so proud of my children; what an honor it is to be a mother here on Earth.

My dog ate it. ...oh wait!

"My dog ate my homework.

Well, not "ate it" exactly, but rather "peed on it."

No wait, we don't have a dog. 

Oh that's right, my baby sister peed on it. Sorry"

I can see it now. The awkward, apologetic look on poor Logan's face as he hands over the now dried up, crumpled paper that had once been his math homework.

I guess in his case, Logan fortunately does not need to endure that humiliation as he will most likely walk over and simply place his finished homework sheet in the bin and collect his reward, without so much as uttering a word. Much less an explanation for it's new antiquely vintage look and feel.

The unintended occurrence:

I was sitting in our semi-newly acquired, cushy office chair that we recieved when Dan's parents were clearing out and distributing their furniture in preparation to leave for their mission.

I love this chair almost as much as my Logan does. It's his throne. The first place he runs to when he walks through the door.

Right now was my turn in the beloved cushy office chair, located awkwardly right between our living room and kitchen. I was sitting there reading a book when Emery decided she was feeling left out. So I picked her up and let her draw pictures for me up on the table I was seated at- which also happened to be right where the boys do their homework.

    Being the ever-thoughtful mother that I am, I saw the homework sheet and purposely placed it behind her so as to avoid her scribbling on it in a scribble-monster frenzy.

But what I failed to observe was her overflowing diaper and sneaky urine-  which cleverly spilled through the side of her diaper leaking all over the table- until after the damage was done.

Wow. I must be bored. Or just pretending to be...I rambled on this long about Emery peeing on Logan's homework. Ha!

Welcome to my life as a mother!

My favorite things.

I love "The Sound Of Music." I love old movies. I love how emotionally passionate and expressive they are. The characters are so passionately happy, passionately angry, and passionately afraid. 

I was thinking about "The Sound Of Music" the other day and the song "My Favorite Things" became stuck in my head. I know you've heard of it. everyone in the English speaking world has heard the song... ;)

I always wondered how Maria came up with a list of her favorite things so quickly. I'd have to think about mine for a while. I change my mind a lot. My favorite things....

So I decided to think and compile a list of my own Favorite things:

Wanna hear it?

I love old movies. And chubby babies. And chocolate. And Fall. I love green- deep, dark, forest-y green. I love romance. And chivalry. And a certain smile my husband makes when I make him laugh. I love the way his face lights up, it makes me fall in love all over again. I love having hope. I love nail polish and the smell of salons. I love pictures. I love memories. I love soft hair. I love pine trees. and camping. I love music. and singing. I love babies being born. I love baby hands. I love first words. I love cloudy days. I love the smell of rain. I love good books. I love inspiring movies, ones that leave you wanting to be a better person. I love family. I love cookie dough. I love laughing. 

I could go on forever!!

And I totally get it, now. Maria sang the song to cheer the children up during the storm, but I never thought about how compiling the list made her feel!

Listing your favorite things makes you feel so good. It reminds you of the good things in life, things to remember, things to be grateful for, things to look for.

I am so grateful for my life, and the opportunities I've been blessed with everyday to experience all of my favorite things.

My favorite, favorite things are my own husband, and our own children. They make everything worth it. They make my heart so happy and leave me wanting to be a better person.

Go! Write down your favorite things. Call it Sound Of Music Therapy! ;)

Mothering

"There is nothing more important in this world than participating so directly in the work and glory of God, in bringing to pass the mortality and earthly life of His daughters and sons."

 Elder Jeffery R. Holland

Sometimes I mother well, and sometimes I do it poorly. Sometimes I meet my children’s needs with grace and humility, and other times I don't. But I think I'm finally learning that I don't need to beat myself up for what I wasn't yesterday, I just need to focus on what I can do today. 

We always have today to become more. Be more loving, be more attentive, be more patient, to show our children that we are here, to show them who they are and who they can become.  We can always start today by loving them. 

We are mothers.  We are blessed with vision and love.  Our children our part of our very soul and we are part of them eternally.  I have heard that "there are no finish lines so we cannot fail or succeed. We can only continue to try." Try being a little better today that we were yesterday.  Becoming a mother is an eternal journey.

***

  What a blessing it is to bring life into this world. And what a divine role it is to guide young children through this life. So many women in my life cannot bear children physically, and yet they are the ones that have been the most influential  "mothers" I know. Their role and example has been so important in my life, and has blessed the lives of the children around them. 

  Growing up I was so fortunate to have had leaders that cared enough and loved me enough to encourage and support me in so many different ways. One of those "mothers" is now my mother-in-law! I know I am the woman and mother that I am today because of the many, many "mothers" I had been blessed to have.

 Even before becoming a mother myself I already understood, and I truly believe, that caring- not just bearing children- makes you a mother.

So Happy Mothers Day, to the many mothers in my life, to my own mother who is an angel in Heaven now, and to you mommies out there reading this! 

"Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning. In the pre-mortal world, when our Father described our role, I wonder if we didn’t stand in wide-eyed wonder that He would bless us with a sacred trust so central to His plan and that He would endow us with gifts so vital to the loving and leading of His children. I wonder if we shouted for joy at least in part because of the ennobling stature He gave us in His kingdom. The world won’t tell you that, but the Spirit will."

--Sister Sheri Dew

***

Random, but completely the thing on my mind lately. Maybe that is how I found this quote:

"... the scriptures and the prophets have not been explicit about things such as numbers (of children), timing and so forth. This is because not only are these things intensely personal in terms of decisions, they are absolutely unique in terms of our customized, individual circumstances.” --Elder Cecil O. Samuelson

I love that there is wisdom and truth revealed to us by the Prophets and Elders of our church, for our benefit, to assist in enduring the trials and questions we are given in this life.

 

Patriarchal Blessing...

I made the decision 10 years ago today to receive my Patriarchal blessing. I am grateful that Heavenly Father entrusts us with such a powerful tool, and a divine, sacred, uniquely-ours blessing to guide us through this life.

Through the trials we endure in this life, we can turn to our blessing as a guide and a reminder of our purpose here on earth.

What a treasure! How different this world would be if everyone had enough Faith...

A patriarchal blessing is the most important blessing available to worthy members of the Church. They are such a unique and remarkable privilege! 

 Patriarchal blessings verify the divinity of Christ, the truthfulness of the Church, strengthen your personal testimony, and are a powerful witness of the mission of Jesus Christ. 

I Can Do Hard Things

"If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing."

***

Today was Fast Sunday, and it was great. I woke up with one of those "Today is going to be a great day" attitudes. I was so optimistic!

I got out of bed, prayed, and happily went about getting my three children ready for church while Dan was at Ward Council.

Sacrament meeting was a little crazy, Logan was a little more restless than usual, but we had missed two doses of his medication the past few days with him being sick with the stomach flu.

I was still able to listen to so many great testimonies, and they touched my heart.

Then Daniel and I volunteered to substitute in the 13 year old Sunday School class.

The lesson we chose was on "Bearing Your Testimony."

Ha! Nothing bugs us more on Fast Sundays than to hear a bunch of people ramble about their personal lives and call it a testimony. 

Emmy was fussy the rest of the hour and as I took her to change her diaper, a mom holding her little girl came into the bathroom and the poor girl threw-up all over the floor. 

So, holding Emery, I ran straight for the janitor closet and grabbed the bucket and mop, and headed back.

Little did I know that this was only the first of many messes I was going to clean today....

A few hours after church, Daniel and Aiden left for Ward Choir practice- for the Mothers Day program next Sunday!

I took Emery upstairs for a nap and when I started downstairs the aroma of poop became stronger and stronger...

Logan had smeared poop all over the kitchen floor.

All. Over. The. Floor. 

He was literally standing in a 3 foot radius of caked-on poop.

So I took a deep breath, very carefully lifted him off the ground, and carried that poop-covered, 55 pound six year old upstairs to scrub him down. I scrubbed, and rinsed, and scrubbed, and rinsed, over and over until he was FINALLY clean. Then I filled the tub with clear, soapy water and left him there to soak.

I took another deep breath, and proceeded downstairs to tackle the poop-caked floor. 

As I stood there staring at it I thought, "How? How? Where do I even start?"

I decided to "soak" the floor and dumped a few gallons of hot, soapy, bleach water on the now very-caked-on mess.

I grabbed somewhere around 100-150 paper towels and "mopped" up the mess. Once every trace of poop was gone, I grabbed the mop and began to fill my bucket with Clorox water to mop the entire kitchen. For safe measure.

Little did I know, or even consider,  that sweet little six year had climbed out of his bath... because he wasn't quite finished.

He pooped on the last five stairs, and the landing at the bottom.

I finished mopping and thought, "Heavenly Father, I did it! I totally handled that! You threw quite a curve ball {or wrench} in my way, but I took it and handled it. Please be proud of me, I know I am!"

As I put the mop away I thought, "Man! It still smells AWFUL...."

I slowly followed my nose to the new source, the new horror, the next "wrench."

 My first thought was to duck tape a diaper to that kids butt, and my second thought was "Carpet is so much harder to clean!"

I grabbed a diaper and did just that. And then I grabbed the soaps, the rags, and the bucket and began.

Only when the carpet was clean enough to use the shampooer, did Aiden and Daniel come walking through the door.

I grabbed the Nutella, a spoon and my phone and headed upstairs.

My loving husband followed me, apologized for the messes I had to clean, told me he loved me, and locked the bedroom door from the inside behind him so I could have uninterrupted quiet time. And here I am blogging about it!

***

President Spencer W. Kimball had asked that God give him mountains to climb. He said: “There are great challenges ahead of us, giant opportunities to be met. I welcome that exciting prospect and feel to say to The Lord humbly, ‘Give me this mountain,’ give me these challenges.”

As messy- and frankly disgusting- as this "trial" was today, I am much better for it. And I'm grateful to know (thanks to my mothering years of experience) that Heavenly Father is molding me. Refining me. Perfecting me. He is testing my faith with these challenges because He knows I will thank Him for it later. I will grow from it and become closer to reaching my potential.

So thank you, Heavenly Father. I know that as a tender parent, you were with me today.... as I served my family.

"...All these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good." D&C 122: 7

Knowing when your family is complete

#Throwback to May 2014

A few nights ago I was at the store with my three children. We were in a check out line and between Aiden not-so-kindly reminding me that he had earned a treat and wanted it now, Logan taking one of every kind of candy bar and lining them up on the floor, and Emery wanting to be held, I could tell we were holding up the line. So I glanced back and said, "oh I'm sorry-you can go ahead!" as I moved us over to the side.

The sweet lady with her teen son replied, "Oh, no. I'm actually enjoying this. I miss these days sooo much."

Taken by surprise, I said "Really?

 I'm told I will one day, too, but I'm not sure I believe it!"

"Oh, trust me. Mine are 25, 21, and 17. I miss these days more than you know."

***

Before you got married, did you dream about how many children you'd have? Did you devise a cute little "plan" of the approximate number of little bodies that will rule your household? Did you go as far as picking the names of your precious little babies, too?

If you're wondering....my number was 4. That's what I said back then, and no, we didn't use any of my baby names!

***

I'm a realist. My husband might call it something different, ahem, but let's just say if I feel overwhelmed now with three kids, which to be honest, I do most days, then why on earth would I have more?

Back then, when I my number was 4, I had no clue. No idea! I just thought that I was kid 3 of 5 and so yeah, 4 sounded good. 

I like where I'm at now. Three children is hard. Really hard. But it's working!

 Haha! I remember saying that with just ONE! I had said that same thing after Aiden...

"Having a baby is hard. Really hard. But it's working!"

BAM! I'm Pregnant, again!

"Having two babies is hard. Really hard. But it's working!"

BAM! Our son is autistic.

"Having a child with special needs is really, really, really, really hard. But it's working. We're taking it one step at a time.

But something was missing. There was a child calling to us. I could usually ignore it, and put it at the back of my mind.... But then I thought, is that why I'm here?

I pray so much- sometimes hourly- for Heavenly Father to help me to know how to mother my children. Help me know their needs, and to be able to meet them. Help me to learn and to grow from my trials. Help me to gain experience from the challenges placed before me. And Heavenly Father hears my prayers, and He answers them.

I was not placed on this earth by accident. Neither were my children given to me by coincidence. They were lovingly placed on earth to be raised in a family, with me as their mother.

So if another calls me from Heaven. Who am I to ignore?

So we took a leap of faith, began to "start trying" and became pregnant two months later with our amazingly bright, beautiful, wonderful daughter, Emery.

What A Joy She Is In My Life!!

I cannot believe I was going to live my life never experiencing the joys of raising my daughter here on earth!

****

I was thinking how wonderful having my three kids is (and also how hard some days are), and that maybe, just maybe, this could be our life as a family of five and I think I'd be very happy with that.

But there's this part of me that isn't sure. There's a part of me that just cannot fathom the idea of not going through another beautiful birth and seeing my husband hold a tiny, sweet newborn that we made together again. 

The not-so-funny thing is, we thought we'd try taking our future and our destiny into our own hands and had a surgery performed...

I cannot tell you how shocked I was when feelings of regret and grief began to come over me. And that over time these feelings intensified.

So after prayer and council and Temple trips, my husband and I decided to have the surgery reversed.

I hate that it took us turning to a permanent form of birth control to realize we were wrong.

 

I know what you're thinking...

"Wait, what? Are you pregnant? Is there an announcement at the end of this?"

(And I'm sure there are some saying, "seriously? You're gonna have MORE?")

The answer is, we are praying about it.

And I'm really ok not knowing right now. I mean, what do we actually know anyway?

That lady at the store reminded me of one thing, I will enjoy this time of life. Because I know that no matter what our future holds for us and for our family, there will come a time when I will miss it. 

...at least that's what I'm told. ;)

Honesty

A friend of mine has a blog that I follow. I say friend, and yet I've only met her a few times! But I love her posts- her thoughts, experiences, and most importantly... her honesty!

It is so refreshing to have someone share in complete honesty. And its so so important in this day, to share with complete honesty- you never know whose heart you might touch!

I found myself relating to a lot to the way she thinks. 

In a recent post, she shared about her personal experience with hypocrisy within the church. 

She discovered that some people close and/or around her were hypocritical. She found that the reasons (she and I) had been taught about Temple attending, Prayer, church attendance, service, callings.... were taught to us by those were doing them for the wrong reasons.

Their actions were righteous, but the reason and drive and purpose in doing them were all wrong. 

Which sounds like a small detail.... Until you become an adult, and find that your whole way of thinking- your whole understanding is twisted.

To hear that some are taught that we should attend church, serve our callings, even pay tithing in fear of appearance or what "others might think" is awful. Yet, that was my understanding for a very long time, too.

As I got older, I discovered that there were those within the church who were "keeping face." That people were attending church only in fear of what others might think!

That people believed and would pay tithing only because "they were supposed to." And even some who considered serving a calling as a "glorified and prestigious position." 

It is only in these past few years of "adulthood" that I have learned the true meaning of obedience, and have re-learn why.

It kind of goes along with "riding the coat-tails" of someone else's testimony.

It will only take you so far, and in the long run, you'll find that you are hurting yourself.

I admit that in the past I rode on the "coat- tails" of other people's testimonies. I thought that being a "chameleon" and mirroring righteous acts was the same thing as being righteous.

It is not.

And I admit that my faith was tested when I saw people living hypocritically. People close to me, people I looked up to, people who were supposed to be an example to me...

And I admit that I was in a similar position: I made mistakes that negatively affected those around me.

Through repentance and personal prayer, I developed a relationship with Heavenly Father, and that has made all the difference.

I also came to understand a basic principle: We are here to be tested, and there are powers around us trying with a great force to lead us astray.

I am forever grateful to the people in my life who have helped me, shown me, taught me truth. That although we are not perfect, we need to have a clear understanding about honesty.

We are not commanded to be perfect, but we are commanded to be honest in our dealings with our fellow men.

That includes our appearance. To appear to be "righteous" and yet be hypocritical is to live a lie.

I think the phrase "It's never too late to....." is especially important to remember here. Though we may have given a false image, lied, whatever the case may be, it is never too late to turn around and try again.

Rosemary Wixom shared a quote recently that I 100% relate to!! 

"If I could rewrite my life story, there are a few chapters that I wouldn't include that were written, but I must live on..."

s Yes! There are A LOT of chapters that I would love to "rewrite" but then again, that would be a lie! They happened, but I have learned from them, trend to Heavenly Father for help, forgiveness, council, love, guidance and direction, advice, etc. And I am all the better for it. We are here to receive a body, be tried and tested, and turn to our Heavenly Father for help through it all, so that we may live with Him again.

The same light, continued...

I mentioned in the previous post that if you look in a spectrum, you can see all the colors of the rainbow.

I thought about the word Spectrum. The word "Spectrum" was first used to describe the rainbow of colors in visible light when separated using a prism. 

But looking at the origin of the word, it means "image, apparition."

From "specere:" to look.

What does it mean to look? 

To see or understand? 

We know that to "look" is to employ our sight. To search, to turn our glance, gaze, or attention. 

But to "look" can be described in so many other ways. Such a simple, single syllable word has countless meanings!

To look after, To take care of, to look for, To search for, To expect, To

look into, To inquire into, To investigate, To look on or upon, To regard in a certain way, To look out, To be watchful or careful, To look over, To examine or inspect, To expect or hope to, To seem about to, To promise to, To search for and find, To become better, To improve.

A more modern use of the word "Spectrum" is used to describe a group or classification. For example, the autism spectrum.

I get so upset at the mention of the words Autism or Spectrum.

And call it what you will: denial, animosity,  bitterness, resentment... 

Autism and I have a complicated relationship.

Anyway, looking deeper into the word "Spectrum," I have seen that it also has a deeper and actually beautiful meaning...

For a reason only He knows for now, Heavenly Father has given Logan to us to care for, nurture, provide for, rear, love and raise in our family. And Logan has already endowed our lives with more blessings and understanding than We could have ever imagined. 

Before coming to earth, Logan was given the choice to accept his body and his life knowing difficulties of Autism.

What a brave and courageous example!

Before coming to earth, I too, was given the choice and the opportunity to look after my son. And I accepted!

To take care of Logan.

To search for him.

To look on.

To be watchful and careful.

To expect and hope for. 

To promise to.

To search for and find.

To make better.

To improve.

What a divine role motherhood is. I am so grateful for the ability and opportunity I have been given- the spectrum of experiences I can gain- by being a mother.

"Jesus loves the little children,

All the children of the world.

Red and Yellow, Black and White,

They are precious in His sight.

Jesus loves the little children of the world."

The same light.

Primary songs are so profound. They teach us basic truths about such profound principles of doctrine. 

Sometimes these songs can be difficult to sing when dark or sad memories flow to our mind.

I know I have had a variety of experiences and emotions when singing "Families are Forever."

And I have always had a very tender memory tied to the song "Jesus Loves The Little Children."

My grandpa used to sing it to my older sister and I when we were younger.

"Jesus loves the little children,

All the children of the world.

Red and Yellow, black and white,

They are precious in His sight.

Jesus loves the little children of the world." 

I have a confession to make:

I've been watching "Cosmos," although I haven't decided whether I'm a fan of it or not. And for some reason -curiosity obviously, along with the fact I haven't gone in to stop the DVR from recording each episode- I kept last nights episode and decided to watch it while folding laundry.

I really liked when he talked about sound. If we could see sound, we could see sound waves, and see the distances between wave lengths.

And just as the wave length of sound determines the pitch that we hear, the wave length of light determines the color we see.

Light and all of the colors of light travel at the sand speed. But when it hits glass, light slows down and changes direction.

And while traveling through the glass, each color moves at a different speed. 

"For example, violet light which is carried by the shortest waves slows down more than red light, which has the longest waves."

The changes in speed send the color waves off in slightly different directions. 

This got me thinking. *Warning, apparently folding laundry gets me thinking on a much deeper scale. ;)

We are children of God, our Heavenly Father. And He is light, even The Light Of The World. 

So, we are all light.

 We are all Equal (this has and will always be debated between man, but it an undeniable truth.) 

We're equal, and yet we all look different, and come from all different directions on this earth.

Just as light when it hits glass. It slows down and changes direction.

We all travel to the same place, to earth to receive a body. It is only when traveling through that we appear separate. Different. 

Some are faster, some are brighter, some are slower, some are darker...

But we are all from the same light.

Logan

Logan. What a roller coaster ride! Just when I feel like I've figured him out, when I feel like I'm getting the groove of things, he throws me for another loop-de-loop. 

Thanks.

Logan. He is a miracle and a mystery.

And Autism. Ugh! It's a love/hate relationship...

For the record, I hate. Hate. Autism. I hate that it's everywhere I look. I hate that everyone has an opinion when really no one knows anything about it. Not really. Unless of course you have an autistic child yourself, and really even then, you only know what YOU'VE experienced.

My only knowledge has come from what I have witness or read about... I don't have all the answers. but that's ok. I don't need to know everything right now. And even if I wanted to, Heavenly Father is not going to reveal everything to me right now. 

He loves me too much.

I would never build my faith.

How glorious it will be when handicaps and disabilities will be removed. When Logan will see clearly, hear clearly, speak clearly. 

I look forward with everything that I have, everything that I am to that day.

I know Heavenly Father is too.

Until then, I am going to love this child with all my heart. I am going to welcome the dark clouds, not just wait for the rainbows.

I am going to not just endure the storms, but I am going to throw my arms around my son and dance with him in the rain. Every time it rains.

And then, I am going to kneel down and thank Heavenly Father for the dance, hand in hand with my Logan.

Thank you Heavenly Father, for giving me the chance to grow.

Remember, Remember...

Chillin' in my Crib!

Logan and his animals...

Logan pulled up an animal on his iPad, and then he'd find the corresponding figurine, and line it up. 

Crocodile, Bear, and an Eagle, I think.

Crocodile, Bear, Eagle, Cow.

Crocodile, Bear, Eagle, Cow, and a mountain lion?

Crocodile, Bear, Eagle, Cow, Mountain Lion, Elephant!

I love my silly Logan!